Top 3 Albums To Hear Before You Die

            While there are many amazing albums out there, there are a particular 3 that stick out in my mind that a recommend for everyone to listen to before they die. In no particular order they are:

1. Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd

            A brilliant yet sad composition, this genre defining album is one of the greatest selling albums of all time as well as one of the most popular for good reason. Chock full of strange sounds and beautiful music, Dark Side of the Moon is an album that explores the themes of insanity and darkness, and flows perfectly from the opening track till the end. It is impossible to pick a favorite song on this album, as they blend together so well the album seems like a single song. This is the first album I recommend to anyone curious about Pink Floyd, and what I consider one of the best albums of all time.

2. Abbey Road – The Beatles

           

            This was a hard one to choose. I have been a devoted fan of The White Album my entire life, but Abbey Road is has taken over the spot. The interesting thing about this album is the first half consists of single song compositions from the various members of the band, followed by a song medley that makes up the second half of the album. The single compositions make up for some of the best and most well known Beatles songs, such as Something and Come Together. However, the final half of the albums song medley is a seamlessly flowing song that shows off The Beatles in their finest hours before their unfortunate break-up following the albums release.

3. Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd

            After Dark Side of the Moon, it was going to be hard to make a worthy follow up album. However, Pink Floyd rose to the occasion with this follow up album. A tribute to former band member Syd Barrett, Wish You Were Here is made up of the “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” suite broken up into two tracks, and three individual songs in between the two. This is my undisputed favorite album of all time, and was the high point in my opinion of Pink Floyd’s career. The songs are beautiful and haunting and are absolutely perfect all the way through. The songs can also be listened to over and over and never lose replay value. 

Roger Waters: The Wall

             The show must go on. And it has done exactly that. The Wall has not been toured since 1980, and now 30 years later it has been resurrected for a tour. Led by former Pink Floyd leader Roger Waters, but without the help of remaining live members Nick Mason and David Gilmour, Waters puts on a show that not only made me remember why The Wall is one of the greatest albums of all time, but also can have a powerful message even 30 years after its release.

            Pink Floyd is my favorite band of all time aside from The Beatles. Every Pink Floyd album has something special (with the exception of A Momentary Lapse of Reason and The Division Bell). The Wall, which is also one of the best selling albums of all time, is also certainly some of their most ambitious and well written music. The albums concept was about a musician who isolates himself and builds a metaphorical wall around himself. The original tour for this album was a spectacle in itself. It featured a giant white wall that is slowly built up during the playing of the album till the band is no longer visible. At the end of the show during the last song, “Outside The Wall”, the wall comes down. At this new performance, everything was recreated brilliantly. The only thing that is noticeably different was the anti-war and anti-government message the new show had to offer.

            The moment the band broke out into “In The Flesh?”, the first song from the album, I immediately began to smell marijuana floating through the air. That was when I knew I was going to really enjoy this show.

            I firstly must say that Roger Waters still sounds amazing. The man, despite being close to 70, still sounds just as he did during the days of Pink Floyd. Every song is faithfully reproduced to sound almost exactly like the album. The only noticeable difference was the absence of David Gilmour’s vocals during “Comfortably Numb”. Instead he was replaced by a person with a voice that sounded similar to Water’s voice, only nowhere near as good.

            Aside from this, everything sounded perfect. I felt like I was listening to the album in my car. Waters was very receptive to the audience, and the effects and theatrics of the show were just brilliant.

            While this may end up being Roger Waters’ last tour, I can certainly say if it is he has gone out with a bang. Here’s to hoping we see some sort of Pink Floyd reunion in the coming years.

Freaks Of The Civil War (Who You Probably Didn't Know Of)

            Some of the most popular names of the Civil War are forever ingrained in our minds. Most people with enough common knowledge can tell you who Robert E. Lee was, as well as Ulysses S. Grant. Another name commonly associated with the Civil War is Abraham Lincoln.

If you don’t know who Lee and Grant are, then you certainly know who Abraham Lincoln was. He was the president responsible for freeing the slaves. He also was tall enough to be a professional wrestler. Hell, the man even is related to Tom Hanks.

Unfortunately, Lincoln met his demise at the hands of failed actor, John Wilkes Booth. Booth put a bullet through Lincoln’s brain and escaped the theater only to flee to a book depository and be cornered 10 days later in a barn, where he was gunned down. This is usually where most people’s historical knowledge ends. If I said the name Boston Corbett would you have a clue as to who I’m talking about?

It’s safe to assume that he has some relevance to this story. He does. Boston Corbett was the man responsible for bringing John Wilkes Booths' life to an end in that barn. So why does he never end up in history books, even as a passing mention? Certainly the man who killed the person who assassinated the president deserves a mention; I mean everyone knows who Jack Ruby is. The most probable reason is because Corbett is bat-shit crazy.

An emigrant from England, Boston Corbett was a hatter prior to enlisting in the Union army. This is important for reasons I will come back to later. Corbett’s first wife died during childbirth, which prompted Corbetts downward spiral. At this point he moved to Boston, changed his birth name from Thomas to "Boston", and converted to Catholicism. This is where things get strange.

The first indication, and certainly not the most horrific, that something was clearly wrong was following his conversion to Catholicism, Corbett began wearing his hair long in an attempt to imitate Jesus. However this must have proven too sane an act for Corbett.

In the following years, to avoid the temptations of prostitute, Corbett made one of the most rational decisions since Heinz made colored ketchup; he castrated himself…with a pair of scissors. Yes you read that properly. And in an attempt to clearly show he still had balls, Corbett proceeded to eat a meal and go to a church service before having the smart idea to seek medical help.

Now You Know Why He Leans

It doesn’t end though. Following the death of John Wilkes Booth, Corbett decided to move to a cozy new home. So he did what any other emigrant American would do with newfound fame and fortune. He dug himself a hole in the ground in a prarie in Kansas and lived in it. It is now the location of his memorial.

Home Sweet Home

Due to his celebrity status as Booth’s killer, Corbett eventually was appointed the assistant doorkeeper of the Kansas House Of Representatives. However, one day when he overheard a coversation mocking the opening legislative prayer, Corbett brandished a gun at the mockers and began making threats. Having commited a similar act a few years earlier, Corbett was thrown into an insane asylum; however he escaped a year later.

This brings me back to an earlier statement. I mentioned earlier Corbett worked as a hatter prior to the Civil War. This makes it very likely he was a victim of mercury poisoning, as mercury was used for the lining of hats during the time. Anyway, Corbett is presumed to have died in the Great Hinckley Fire of 1894, but it’s never been proven. It’s a shame he has managed to elude our history books because frankly this is more interesting and entertaining than some of the stuff that happened in the Civil War.  Hopefully you can take this useless information with you.

The Best New Show On TV

            The undead have FINALLY invaded television. After week two, The Walking Dead is shaping up to be one of the most entertaining and exhilarating shows on television.

            The Walking Dead premiered last weekend on AMC. Based on the comic of the same name, The Walking Dead tells the story of a post-zombie apocalypse. While the premise sounds like just about every other zombie movie…well it is. But this is not necessarily a bad thing.

            First keep in mind that this is a show, on television, about zombies. Now think for a moment what zombies usually do. You could imagine it’s going to be pretty graphic. This is one of the first things I want to give the show kudos for. The Walking Dead is the most graphic show I have ever seen on television. There are few cutaways from gore in this show and the blood is not used sparingly.

            Now think about something else. Usually a zombie movie is filled with one-dimensional characters that we frankly could give a shit less about. The Walking Dead steps up to the plate to show that even zombie apocalypse survivors can be interesting and, excuse the pun, human.

            The third and final piece to this delightfully graphic show is it’s handling of tension. The show managed to capture me in within the first few minutes, and the second episode managed to do the same. The only time it really deviates from this is during character development, but it is paced well enough that it flows properly.

            There is only one more thing that could make the show even better and it managed to nab that too. The show is executive produced by Frank Darabont. He’s the guy who is responsible for the amazing films The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. Darabont is also responsible for writing and directing the first episode, as well as writing some of the later episodes. His quality shows through on his work here.

            So after two weeks down, it’s safe to say that you should all meander over to your televisions and 10:00 p.m. on Sunday nights to watch The Walking Dead. This show will absolutely blow your mind.

Saw 3D Finishes On Point

           After six mind twisting films, Saw has finally taken its curtain call with the confusingly numbered Saw 3D. This film is actually the seventh and apparently final film in the series that has spawned over numerous media and considered one of the most successful horror franchises in history. While a few of the sequels were rather lackluster, the fifth and sixth film were pretty decent. So does the series finale make for a great ending for a historical movie series? The answer is…yeah I guess.

            The series low point for me is Saw 4. It was just a very weak film with weak traps. I love watching these movies to see how gory they can get and how far they are willing to go. Saw 5 and Saw 6 pushed that barrier. Saw 7 manages to answer a lot of questions, but it seems rushed and almost contrived.

            See, the Saw series was supposed to end with not a Saw 7, but a Saw 8. However after box office profits dropped from Saw 5 and Saw 6, Lionsgate decided to just make one more movie instead of two. This is where the big problem lies with this film. You can tell that it was meant to be two movies instead of one, and therefore seems all over the place, and barely seems coherent at times.

            The movie picks up where Saw left off with Dr. Gordon having just amputated his own foot with a hacksaw. After escaping the bathroom, which is the last time fans saw him, Dr. Gordon comes across and hot pop and cauterizes his wound. The movie then cuts directly to the end of Saw 6, with Jigsaw accomplice Agent Hoffman left with a gaping wound on his cheek as a result of a reverse beartrap. Jigsaws widow, Jill, escapes and what ensues is a game of cat and mouse as Hoffman tries to capture and kill Jill. Meanwhile, Jigsaw survivor Bobby Dagen, who has started group therapy sessions for other survivors, is captured and thrust into the next “game.”

            I won’t lie; this movie ties up the series quite nicely. The only problem is that it was just done too quickly which left a whole new series of questions. However, the movie remains quite gory, with a particularly awesome trap involving a car that sets off a dangerous domino effect. The acting is about as good as you’d expect, but definitely believable.

            Overall, if you are a diehard fan of the series like I am, you will enjoy. If you have not been a fan or stopped following the Saw movies after Saw 2 or Saw 3, then this movie is not for you. But if you want a good thriller that has good pacing, definitely check out the final entry in this iconic series.

My Opinion: 7.5/10

Whats The Point Of Early Voting?

            Well the time is here again, our bi-yearly citizen rights…voting. Almost feels like Armageddon. There has been more bullshit in this year’s election than I have ever seen. Every television commercial against candidates has just been total slander campaigns. Politicians are literally digging dirt out of their opponents asses. There have been more lies than a Bill Clinton scandal; but it’s seriously making that incident timid with the left field cheap shots politicians have been taking. Yet there is something I have noticed that is a completely pointless in the voting process: early voting.

            I have been able to vote since 2004, but at that time I did not care about politics as much as I do now. At the time it was a case of just not being informed but that has since changed. Yet tomorrow I will not be voting. I am registered for the state of Nevada and did not bother to fill out an absentee ballot. Sharon Angle vs. Harry Reid…if you don’t know about it, inform yourself.

            But since my first voting election, and every election I’ve voted in since, I have had the opportunity for early voting. The first year I voted, 2004 (Bush vs. Kerry), I thought that this would be a good idea. Get to the polls early and beat the rush on the actual voting day. Much to my disdain, when I arrived the line was longer than then a busy day at Splash Mountain. Wasn’t the point of this to avoid this problem?

FML

            I started walking towards the line before two words ran through my mind. “Fuck it” Needless to say, I went back voting day and there wasn’t even a line. I was happy with my victory but annoyed I still had to drive to the same place twice. Clearly something went wrong with the whole “early voting” process.

            So why do we fall victim to thinking that we are actually going to beat the line? It is that rationale of thinking that gets us into that problem in the first place. Even without voting this year I have been told by people that went to vote early that they just drove off after witnessing the long lines. So without making this information spread like wildfire, take my advice and avoid early voting. Let the people who want to vote early diminish the voting day lines for us.

            We could just alleviate this problem by having a voting booths open couple of days. Instead we try to condense the process into a short time span over two spaced out non-mutual days. I have heard more people complain about long lines than ever before, especially on early voting days when one would not expect a long line. But apparently there are still some people that stick it out. But isn’t it about time we make this process less stressful and time consuming for people. After that maybe we can get some GOOD candidates to fill those ballots out too. I’m just asking.

Quick, What Do Nikki Sixx And I Have In Common?

            This Sunday morning was spent like any other Sunday morning, relaxing with VH-1 on the television. It’s a Sunday activity I have done week after week with my roommate because, well, we have no life. During a replay of an old episode of Behind The Music, Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx was recalling a heroin overdose that occurred in 1987. What piqued my interest in this was his vivid description of an out-of-body-experience (OBE) that happened to him while he was legally pronounced dead for two minutes. Sixx recalled the experience as “floating above his body in the ambulance watching the paramedics work on him, to suddenly being pulled right back into his body.” This incident is of interest to me because it has happened to me too.

            I did some quick research to find there are a few different kinds of OBE. There are one’s that happen during or near sleep. There are those that happen as a result of a near death experience. There are also one’s that can be induced. My OBE, as you may have guessed, was similar to Nikki Sixx’s reason. The only difference was mine wasn't brought on by a heroin overdose.

            During one of the hottest days of the years, my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Sanford decided to extend our recess to a two-hour window from its original one-hour time frame. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, except that we were forbidden from going back into the room to get water, and Mrs. Sanford forced us to play outside in the sun without any shade. Following our extended session playtime in hell, we all went back inside to continue with the day’s lesson.

            As I sat at my desk I began to feel very dazed and light headed. I then began to see black spots. It was pretty surreal as I was only six years old at the time, so I had no damn clue what was happening to me aside from obvious dehydration. The last thing I remember was my head dropping between my arms before I blacked out. What happened next I will never forget.

            The memory still remains as vivid as it did when it happened. I remember coming to in the corner of the classroom. The lights were out in the room and there were no students. I looked around the room for a few seconds before I suddenly saw myself lying on the floor. Four paramedics, who had a gurney next to them, surrounded my body. As I saw them working to put my body on the gurney, I remember wondering what was going on and why I was able to see what I was seeing. I remember feeling scared for a few seconds, but then I was calm. I watched as the paramedics wheeled me out of the room. Then there was silence. I remained in the dark room for another few seconds before I suddenly came to in the ambulance with a horrible smell of oxygen being pumped in my nose.

            I’ve read countless articles and heard numerous testimonies of similar experiences happening to other people. While there is no definitive proof as to what exactly this phenomenon is, I think it opens the possibilities for discussion of spiritual existence. If this happens as frequently as it does, then it has to have some credibility as an idea. The idea being that we all have a spiritual energy that exists beyond us. Any thoughts if this has happened to you?

If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It

            It was about this time last year that Paranormal Activity repeated the success of The Blair Witch Project and raked in ridiculous profits off a meager budget. So in typical Hollywood fashion, a sequel was made. That sequel was released this week; and while Paranormal Activity 2 may not make the profits that it predecessor brought in, it still proved to be a worthy sequel.

            One of the best things that this sequel does is take the old saying “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” and applies it generously. This sequel looks and feels exactly like the original, even with a budget ten times as high. This ends up working out great because by doing this, Paranormal Activity 2 is able to merely add to what the original got wrong.

            This movie falls into a strange chronology. It takes place before, during, and after the events of Paranormal Activity. The events of this film focus on the main character of the first film’s sister, Kristi. The movie begins with Kristi bringing home her newborn son, Hunter. We are introduced to the family, and everything seems peachy…or is it?

            After a few months, strange events eerily similar to those of the first film begin to happen to Kristi’s family. The odd thing is they all seem to be happening around their son, Hunter. As things get weirder around the house, the true reasons for the demon haunting these characters are revealed.

            As usual, I’m not going to spoil it. I will tell you that if you are a fan of the first film, you will most likely enjoy this. Do not go into this film expecting it to be much different than it’s predecessor. I was not a huge fan of the first film, but I will say I did enjoy this one much more. It seemed to flow a little better, and was definitely scarier.

            Another thing this movie did right was built on the suspense of the first film. There can’t be much more to this demon that has haunted two family members across two films. Fortunately, the movie takes what could be rather stale scenarios, and makes them much more suspenseful, and takes it a step farther than the film before it had.

            Final analysis? Check it out if you are in the mood for some good scares and thrills. Not the movie of the year but I will give it credit where credit is due.

My Opinion: 7.5/10

Three Films Guaranteed To Shock You

            I’ve noticed that so many movies these days are censored. Very rarely does an uncensored, or for lack of better word, unfiltered movie reach mainstream audiences. I try to keep an eye out for films of this caliber, and this year has been a great success. This year I have managed to come across three wonderful gems of shock movies. The following movies have had me recommending and talking about them to a lot of people in an attempt to have them feel the shock I do. One film is so graphic it almost made me throw up as a result. I want to share these films and urge everybody to see these films.

1. The Human Centipede

            What can I say about this film? Let me give you a hint as to what the title might imply. The film concerns a former Nazi doctor who kidnaps three tourists. The doctor then proceeds to surgically attach the three people mouth-to-anus, hence a “human centipede.”

            Let me first start off by saying that this movies shock value lies in what’s implied rather than graphic imagery. Director Tom Six uses very little if any graphical depictions of the aforementioned procedure, and this is what makes the movie work. It leaves us, the audience, in a position to imagine what exactly something like that could yield. It even sets us up for the inevitable scatological situation. Let me put it this way, to this day my girlfriend refuses to even discuss the film due to the implied graphic nature. I know a few people that also share this viewpoint on the film. Check it out for yourself; trust me it’s worth it.

2. Antichrist

            This is an interesting film because while it does have some very graphic moments, it’s one of the most visually stimulating films I have ever seen. There is a certain hint of pretentiousness in director Lars Von Trier’s film, however this is merely a pro to this film.

This movie stars only two actors, Willem Dafoe (Spiderman) and Charlotte Gainsborough (21 Grams). The film is about a married couple whose young child escapes from his crib while the married couple is making love and falls out of an open window to his death a few stories below. The married couple, referred to as only “He” and “She,” retreat to a remote cabin in the woods so She can grieve. He is a psychiatrist who attempts to treat his wife, who eventually loses her sanity. She then maims her husband in some very graphic, disturbing, and shocking scenes.

If there were ever a film that could truly be defined as art, Antichrist would be it. It is beautifully shot, with every scene just brimming with atmosphere and tension and serene beauty simultaneously. I highly recommend this film, if just for the visual stimulation.

3. Martyrs

            I came across this film as a result of the movie Hellraiser. The director of Martyrs, Pascal Laugier, was at one point attached to direct a proposed remake of the movie Hellraiser until it fell through. While Laugier was attached to the film, fans of his turned me onto this film, Martyrs. After watching it, this has become one of the most shocking, disturbing, and amazing films I have ever seen.

            The film is about a young girl who escapes from a remote location where she has apparently been tortured for years. Upon her escape, we are shown that she is being haunted some sort of creature. The film then fast-forwards 15 years where a family of four is enjoying a dinner. Suddenly, the girl who had escaped years earlier blasts her way through the front door and violently murders the entire family, small children included. We then learn that the adults of the family were the one’s torturing the escaped girl years earlier. At this point, the movie starts to take more twists and turns than an M. Night Shyamalan film.

            While watching the movie I had a hard time understanding why everything was happening. There are some points where there might be some confusion, but upon the ending everything came full circle. It turned out to be one of the most brilliant films I have ever seen, and I highly recommend it. Be warned though, this film is VERY graphic and if you have a weak stomach I do not recommend viewing it.

Once A Jackass, Always A Jackass

           It looks like I’m going to have to wait another four years before one of my guiltiest pleasures of all time becomes a four part series. But until then, the newest sequel in the long running Jackass movies has appeared to show us that getting your ass kicked can still be hilarious.

            It’s been four years since Jackass 2 and an even more impressive eight years since the TV show went off the air. However, Johnny Knoxville and company are back and better than ever and their latest foray had me in stitches from beginning to end.

            For those who have seen the last two films, Jackass 3D starts off the same way. We are treated to a slow motion opening of all the cast members being mangled and beaten up by some sort of destructive force in slow motion.  While this part is funny, it does not outshine the rest of the movie.

            Once the movie starts, it’s exactly as one would anticipate. Stunts are set up for the camera, the stunt is explained to the audience, and then we are all left to fill in the narrative as the stunt occurs. The great thing about watching these movies is not to see how gross things can really get, but how funny they can really be.

            Perhaps my favorite “stunt” of the movie involved a staged midget bar fight. If that’s not enough to make you laugh, then I promise you will laugh once you see exactly what transpires on the screen. Lets just say a midget bar brawl being broken up by two midget cops left me close to peeing in my pants with laughter, especially upon seeing the bystander reactions.

            The best parts of the movie really do come in the form of the pranks the jackasses perform in public. Johnny Knoxville resurrects his old man character, Irving Zissman, for some more fun on the streets of Los Angeles. In one of Jackass 3D’s funniest bits, we find him with an actress to play his granddaughter as they both show very uncomfortable displays of public affection.

            There’s really not much to explain about this movie. It really does speak for itself in terms of content. If you are not a fan of the show or previous movies, you obviously will not like this film. However if you want to watch a bunch of adults still kicking each others ass’s after 10 years, then you have come to the right spot. I was not disappointed by this entry in the series, and I really hope to see more in the future.

A Good Case Of Sequelitis

            So it’s been four years since the zombies took over the Willamette Mall in the fictional town of Willamette, Colorado, and the outbreak has only gotten worse.

            Dead Rising 2, a sequel to Dead Rising, puts players into the shoes of Chuck Greene, a former motocross superstar and apparently super dad. Taking place in fictional city Fortune City a number of years after the first game, we start with Greene participating in the twisted reality show, Terror Is Reality, where he is trying to win money to pay for Zombrex, a 24-hour suppressor for people who have been bitten by zombie, for his daughter who has been previously infected. Following the show, an outbreak of zombies occurs and a group of survivors are forced to take refuge in a safe house located in the small city. Unfortunately for Chuck, he has been framed for the outbreak, his daughter needs Zombrex, and rescue isn’t coming for three days…fuck.

            I remember playing the first game and being shocked at how amazing the game play was. You are essentially in a giant sandbox world, and there can be anywhere from 30 to as many as 1000 zombies on screen at any given time. Players of the first game are aware that the entire city is your playing field and weapons and health can and must be procured from various areas.

            The first thing DR2 adds that it’s predecessor lacked was the ability to combine weapons. The great thing about this is you can make some of the most ludicrous things available and reap the amazing rewards of watching zombies just mauled in the more goretastic ways. My personal favorite being a combination of a Sub-Machine Gun and a giant stuffed bear; this creates Freedom Bear, a giant stuffed bear sentry with a Rambo style headband and a proximity sensor that tells it to shoot.

            While this about covers the major game play differences in the game, there have been a number of tweaks that were problematic in the first game. The first and most notable is the survivor AI. In both Dead Rising’s it is necessary to save stranded survivors throughout the world. The first game was notorious for having the worst survivor AI, so much so that they would run blindly into a hoard of zombies. Not only has this problem been fixed, but also I actually find myself rescuing multiple survivors because I’m not concerned that the one’s I’ve just rescued are going to go off and get themselves killed.

            The story in this game is nothing that hasn’t been done before, however the game manages to put it’s own little twist on the story. I really like some of the death scenes in this game for some of the boss characters. One that particularly sticks out is a stabilized body extraction that ends up with the boss being ripped in half by the airplane recovering him.

            The graphics are also a notable improvement over the first game. While the first game didn’t suffer from bad graphics, it’s still an improvement over the first game. This is a major feat considering how much more graphical power is needed to put more zombies on screen at one time.

            The controls still feel a bit clunky. It’s not overly complicated, however cycling through weapons, especially in later levels when you have a much bigger inventory, can be a bit tedious and annoying.

            Voice acting was done very well, however you can tell the lines were recorded in a booth. I think this is where videogames need to start taking hints from games like Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, who utilize motion capture with the actors providing the voices, so they can all act out the scene together and express the right emotions.

            So overall, I’d say this game is definitely worth the buy. It has enough things to do to keep you busy for a while. If you are a fan of movies like Dawn Of The Dead, which these games are homage’s to, you will really enjoy it. Check it out.

My Opinion: 8.5/10

At Least I Got A Good Parking Spot

            I have never been one to have a routine or special place I go all the time. Efforts to change that have come about half-circle, and I have had my second year in a row visit to horror movie convention Screamfest.

            For those of you who don’t know, Screamfest is a horror movie festival where your favorite horror movie stars and directors show up for autographs, and people can rent tables to sell their horror related merchandise. It takes up a few of the conference rooms at the Wyndham Resort in Orlando, FL and at the end of the evening there are parties at two of the pool locations on the resort premises.

            Last year was an absolute blast; with the negative point of the trip being the parking situation (it’s a giant clusterfuck of cars parked illegally over a parking lot the size of two football fields) but otherwise everything was peachy. I had to opportunity to meet some of my favorite horror icons, as well as get choked out by one, and the pool party consisted of a couple thousand people with similar interests getting boozed up and partying with each other and celebrities. Maybe I should have realized things weren’t going that much fun this year when I immediately found a parking spot pulling into the hotel parking lot…

            Some of the high points for me last year were meeting Kane Hodder (Friday the 13^th) and getting to party with Derek Mears (Friday the 13^th 2009) that night. I ran into a number of other celebrities that night, and although a lot remains a drunken haze, I remember just having the time of my life.

            However this year was different. The first sign of distress was that the price for admission, which had previously been $25, had now been raised to $35. I personally found this to be bullshit because the lineup consisted of the same people from last year, except the featured guests of the year was Robert Englund (A Nightmare On Elm Street) and John Carpenter (Halloween). My girlfriend loves all things Freddy (I’m a Jason fan) so Robert Englund had to be seen…

            In a line that lasted an hour, we finally got to meet Mr. Englund and he was quite pleasant…and this was the highpoint of our trip.

            One of the major problems I noticed was the lack of people like I had seen the previous year. I’d estimate at least 4000 people attended last year, and this year I’d say that was cut in half. I think the problem was really the fact that almost everything is a repeat of the previous year, with only a few new guests, and even they are people who have done Screamfest in previous years.

            Another thing that really bothers me, and I have spoke to numerous other guests who have the same complaints, is that the celebrities charge anywhere from $20-$40 an autograph, with some charging if you just want a picture taken with them. That is a bad service to fans and highly influences my opinion about a celebrity. This coming from a guy whose favorite part of last year was getting choked the fuck out by his favorite horror movie icon. At least I didn’t have to pay.

            As a result, the pool party had some problems too. The first thing I noticed on my way to the pool was a strung out looking Gary Busey (Lethal Weapon) sitting on a ledge wearing a t-shirt, pajama pants, and Van’s slip-on shoes. At that moment I thought “if this was going to be as good as it gets then I will need more alcohol.”

            Unfortunately no amount of alcohol can make a boring party a lively one. We headed back and forth to the pool but the party just never picked up, leaving my girlfriend, my roommate, and myself pissed off and vowing to go to Halloween Horror Nights next year instead of Screamfest.

            The upside to the pool party was that when I saw Gary Busey hurrying to his hotel room with an obviously much younger girl, a group of kids come by saying they must fight Gary Busey and save the young girls honor from becoming a Gary Busey victim. After the amusement died down, we returned home and went back to sleep.

            I guess I wasn’t the only one who wanted out. I read this morning that about the time we showed up to the convention center, John Carpenter, the one person I really would have liked to have seen, had a convulsion and was taken to a hospital. Oh well, at least I got a good parking spot.

Pamela Anderson's Penis And Things

            I sometimes spend hours trolling the Internet for absolutely no reason. Half the time I have nothing to look at, but end up seeing links to other sites with stories or pictures that I just have to see. Like most people, I usually come across some pretty odd things, ranging anywhere from celebrity gossip to news of a transgendered conservative (isn’t that an oxymoron?) running for office in San Francisco.

            This week, I came across four things that yielded reactions from laughter to confused shock. I thought they were too good not to be shared so without another moments hesitation…

1. Pamela Anderson

Yes, we all know who she is. This woman has been the poster child for a life in the media spotlight. Her headlines have revealed sexual escapades with former beau’s, told us which letter of Hepatitis she has, and exact time and dates with when Ms. Andersons boobs would be bigger than the Goodyear blimp. Yet a stranger revelation has come upon me. Look below…

What do you see in this picture? Yes I know Pamela’s nipples are hard perverts, thanks for pointing out the obvious. I’ll give you another hint; it has nothing to do with the obvious weight gain.

The big story, no pun intended, is between her legs. That just nullified my pervert comment earlier.

It looks like Pam is packing a bulge in there. Could it be that the woman of every 90’s child’s wet dream is really a dude? Could be, but also highly unlikely. We could probably assume that it’s a result of Pamela’s promiscuity, but I seem to like my roommate’s analysis of the picture better; it’s just one big Herpe.

2. Wanket!

            I know times are tough for everybody. Everyone is bleeding money financially, and the housing market is still in shambles. However, this is just crossing the line.

            Are you fucking kidding me? How do the words "real estate" and "masturbation" end up in the same sentence? Besides, I’d be too worried this guy would be trying to put his hand down my pants during the showing. Thinned hair and horn-rimmed glasses just shout molester.

3. Irony

There is so much I could say about this picture. However, this is truly a picture worth a thousand words, if just for its irony of the whole situation.

I can only imagine what caused the driver of the truck to be pulled over. I also want to know if it's considered assaulting an officer if the cop dickishly binges on the donuts and falls into a sugar-induced coma. Probably not, but at least your bribe is in the backseat.

4. Nirvana

            This falls into one of those categories where you don’t want to laugh because of the tragic circumstances of the author, but at the same time you can’t help but laugh because of the way it was written.

            Translation: Dear Empty TV
the entity of all Corporate Gods
We will survive without you easily — — the oldschool is going DOWN FAST
my lifes Dedication is Now to Do Nothing But SLAG something
Kurdt Kobain xxx
professional Rock musician

            Looks like Kurt saw MTV for what it really is! I think the font type is Helvetica Junkie. Alright that was in poor taste, but I love Kurt Cobain and it was a tragedy. Either way, this letter had be laughing. And for those of you who don’t know what a SLAG is, don’t fear. I had no clue of what it meant either. Gotta love dictionaries! A slag is defined as “A prostitute or promiscuous woman. Also occasionally heard with reference to such men.”

            So I guess it’s safe to assume Kurt is saying he’s going to go out and have sex with something. Why he chose Courtney Love is beyond me…

Old School American Horror

            It’s finally here. I have been waiting for Hatchet 2 since the left-open-for-a-sequel ending of the original Hatchet, and it truly does not disappoint. In fact I think I enjoyed this movie so much I squealed twice during the movie and had to change my underwear after the show. Well not really but I did adore this movie as much as the first one, if not more. Where to begin?

            For those that have not seen Hatchet, the movie is about a group of people who take a backwoods swamp tour in the bayou’s of Louisiana, only to stumble across the abode of local ghost legend Victor Crowley, who was accidently killed by his father years earlier. Of course, the people meet their demise with the type of gore and violence you’d expect out of a movie made in the late 2000’s.

            I think the reason it was so enjoyable, is that this movie labels itself as “Old School American Horror.” This means that it’s trying to homage movies like Friday the 13^th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, etc. It does that on such a great level, even to the point of having the main villain Victor Crowley portrayed by veteran Jason Voorhees actor Kane Hodder.

            So Hatchet 2 starts right where Hatchet left off, with our protagonist Marybeth narrowly escaping the clutches of Victor Crowley. Upon being rescued by piss-drinking local nutcase, Jack Cracker, we find out is somehow connected to Victor Crowley. She is then kicked out of Jack Crackers house out of fear, where Cracker is subsequently murdered, and we have our plot device!

            Marybeth then returns to New Orleans to speak to Reverend Zombie from Hatchet, played by Tony Todd (Candyman), and she convinces him to return to the swamp to kill Victor Crowley and recover her brother and fathers dead bodies. Zombie reluctantly agrees, and recruits a crew of locals and hunters to help.

            To be honest, the rest you can figure out yourself, and I don’t want to spoil. What I want to tell you is that this movie is awesome. It is what a true sequel should be; something that takes the ideas of its predecessor and build on them. This sequel is ball’s to the wall with gore, using nearly twice as much fake blood then the original. There are plenty of comic relief moments throughout this movie, and some of them are actually gut busting. What really makes this movie fun is how it incorporates a lot of comedy into most of the over-the-top kills the movie is known for. I don’t want to give too much away but lets just say we get a graphic depiction of a six foot chainsaw wish boning two men in half, complete with testicles falling off.

            The script obviously is nothing to write home about, but it still manages to stay focused on the quick kills and gore the series has become loved for. Another point, director Adam Green has really gotten a lot better as a director in the last four years. His shots are quicker and tighter, and this helps to make the movie flow a lot better, especially during the slower scenes. The incorporation of the comedy helps a lot too.

            This movie is not for everyone, and with it only playing in one fucking theater in south Florida, it doesn’t make it very accessible. Unless you are a die-hard fan of the original Hatchet, and I guarantee almost everyone reading this has never even heard of it, or a fan of old school 80’s slasher horror, then don’t bother catching this flick. However if you want an hour and a half of mindless fun, gore, and inventive kills, check it out.

My Opinion: 10/10

Even Perfection Has Its Imperfections

            Celebrity gossip is a lucrative business known for it’s shady practices and ability to expose even the most personal of information of a celebrity. Unfortunately there are some celebrities that get overexposure; and not to be sexist, but an overwhelming amount of the time these are female celebrities.

            The one that comes to mind is Megan Fox. The Transformers actress has been the ultimate fodder for gossip magazines everywhere, as well as appearing in multiple men magazines. At one point last year the coverage was so bad that a few websites called for a one day boycott on Megan Fox stories.

            My point here is that, well, I feel the pain. These celebrities are made up to be sex symbols or spank bank material for some of the younger ones. We have gotten to a point in our culture where celebrities are reveled in for their beauty and perfection. However, like the plot twists in some of their shitty movies, things aren’t what they always seem.

            That’s right, even the one’s made to be the most beautiful can have daunting imperfections. The point of this article is not necessarily to point out and laugh at the imperfections some of these people have, but moreover to point out that even the people who seem untouchable are just as human as everybody else. So without further ado…

1.     Megan Fox

Yes, it’s true. Even the queen of perfection has an imperfection. First let me point out that Megan Fox is gorgeous. There is no doubt about that. But let’s face it…she is talentless. In fact, she was the major inspiration to write this article because of all the coverage she gets, yet shows a complete lack of acting talent. So what is this imperfection you say?

Megan Fox suffers from brachydatyly. For those of us who didn’t attend medical school, I like to call this “Carny Thumbs.” It is essentially a shortening of the fingers or toes and is passed down genetically. Here get a better look for yourself so you can understand.

 Yeah, probably not the person you want to be hitchhiking with…

2.     Jennifer Garner

What ever happened to Jennifer Garner? I know she still makes movies from time to time, but after her and Ben Affleck had a baby and Elektra flopped harder than a fish out of water, she all but disappeared. Maybe people caught on…

Not that I think an overlapping pinky toe is cause to ruin a career, but damn. It reminds me of something that would make George Costanza break up with a woman.

3.     Mila Kunis

I refuse to bash Mila Kunis. She is gorgeous and talented and voices a character on one of my favorite shows on television, Family Guy. To be totally honest, I think her “imperfection” in this case just makes her more beautiful. So without further delay…

Look at her left eye…Now look at her right eye…Notice anything different. Here’s a little closer.

Mila Kunis Is The Upper Left Picture

 That’s right, they are different colors. This imperfection is known as heterochromia, which as you guessed causes different colored eyes. Turns out she’s not the only one.

From L to R: Mila Kunis, Jane Seymour, Kate Bosworth, Elizabeth Berkley, Virginia Madsen

So to ground all the people who are obsessed with celebrities and view them as sex symbols, it seems that even perfection can have its flaws. Obviously some a little more bizarre than others, but keep in mind, even celebrities in their infallible images are human too and this is proof.

So-Bad-It's-Good

            The caliber of movies produced today far exceeds the movies from decades ago. However, with the technology we have for movies today, it doesn’t allow for the campy movies we were given during the 80’s, as everything today has a more polished look, even if it’s direct-to-video garbage like American Pie 24.

            Instead, the 80’s represented a decade defiled by some truly awful films. I’ve scoured many a bargain bin and Internet forums in order to find some of the worst. It’s kind of a hobby I have, watching horrible 80’s trash movies. Over the years I’ve managed to show some of these crap-covered gems to some people who have also taken a liking. While I can’t provide you with these movies to watch, I can still impart a list of some good one’s along with some of the more memorable scenes. In no particular order…

1. Troll 2

This 1990 sequel is notorious. So notorious in fact that it has not only sprung it’s own internet mime and been mentioned by talk show host Conan O’Brien, but it’s even become the subject of a documentary entitled Best Worst Movie, which was made by the films child star Michael Stevenson. Here is one of the more infamous scenes in question.

This movie has a number of scenes like the above that have let it become something of a cult classic. In fact the movie has no relation to its predecessor other than the name. In fact the movie does not even feature trolls. Instead they are replaced by goblins, and we have a whining kid running around a city called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards, fucking surprise) screaming about goblins while no one believes him…Hmm, sounds familiar. What sucks the most for this kid is the fact that he’s somehow able to see the manifested spirit of his long dead grandfather, who helps him in his quest to defeat the goblins before they turn his family into goblin food! Guess what the goblins weakness turns out to be?!

I’m going to go kill myself now!

2. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

Without a shadow of doubt, this is my favorite so-bad-it’s-good movie of all time. This movie, obviously a sequel, managed to do something I’ve never seen before. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is a 45 minute movie that was turned into an hour and a half by using 45 minutes of footage from the first film. There are so many memorable scenes that showcase how bad the acting is. The following one has become an Internet phenomena as well.

Absolutely fucking brilliant. Unfortunately this movie is now out of print so locating a copy is going to be difficult, but if you can get your hands on this gem, I guarantee an hour and a half of non-stop unintentional laughter. The movie is so bad that even the director has apologized for the movie, on the DVD commentary no less! So check this gem out if you can!

3. Hobgoblins

Enough said. This movie was one of the many that received the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment, and deservedly so. This movie is absolute torture to watch. Even if you are not sober this movie is torture to watch. The trailer just about says it all. If you want to be able to survive this movie, watch the MST3K version. Sadly this movie recently spawned a sequel almost 20 years later as a result of the popularity brought on from the episode on MST3K, so if you make it through this, you are still only halfway there.