My last bit of 90’s nostalgia is finally dead. This is the murderer:
Oh yes they did. Most people thought that the Home Alone series ended in 1997 with the horrible, yet still watchable (and featuring a young Scarlett Johanssen), third entry in the series. At least that one was still written by John Hughes. But instead, they decided back in 2002 that they should rape the franchise one more time, because they didn’t cause enough emotional traumas with Home Alone 3.
If you are wondering why I even bothered subjecting myself to something this sinister, let me take a moment to explain that I have this sort of tick. It’s the kind where if there are sequels to a movie that I’m a fan of, I generally will watch them even if they are garbage. Don’t ask why, it’s just how I am. Bearing that in mind, it’s also people like me that watch this crap in order to warn misguided curious people against films like this.
Having said that, let me begin with a quick rundown of this movies history. It was intended as a made-for-TV movie, with producers hoping a show could follow granted this was successful. Without having to do much aside from showing the movie to a few people, that ultimately did not happen, and it’s quite obvious why.
The movie tries to tie itself somewhat to the first two films, as Kevin McAllister is once again the main character, and his mother, father, brother Buzz, and another sister, are also featured in the film. Oh and the character Marv, the bumbling burglar from the first two movies returns, this time with his wife as a sidekick. Oddly enough French Stewart plays him in this movie. Bizarre…
Anyway, there are subtle, if not vague references to the early film. However, the movie highly confused me on whether or not this took place after Home Alone 2, or Home Alone 1, as direct references to the first movie, not the second are made. So that was the first thing I had trouble with on this film.
Next, the characters have totally different personalities. Sorry for speaking bluntly, but in this movie, Kevin is a little bitch. Gone is the assuredness and charm of Macaulay Culkin’s Kevin, and replaced with a naïve and annoying little child Mike Weinberg. The characters retain almost no personality to their original selves, even down to Marv, who is supposed to be a pretty two-dimensional character.
Speaking of Marv, he is played by French Stewart and for some reason, always has a shit-eating grin on his face. But then again that’s just French Stewart. Anyway, his dim-witted sidekick for this romp is a woman who he has apparently met in prison and married. Umm…unisex prison? Ok…But to continue, she is played by Missy Pyle, who always seems to have that face like she has really bad gas. Add on a thick, shitty New York accent and you’ve got a complete moron!
The plot of the movie goes, Kevin’s parents are divorced and Kevin’s dad is getting remarried. For Christmas, Kevin decides he wants to spend it with his dad and his fiancé at her home. When he arrives, he is welcomed with open arms, and we come to realize the house is a smart house, and the keys to the house are just a remote you yell commands into. This is where it all becomes predictable again, especially as they point out things around that house that are obviously fodder for later gags. But to continue, Kevin stays at the house, somehow Marv chooses this house to burglarize, and for some reason whenever they come, the butler is nonresponsive. So sets up a possible double cross with the most obvious reveal I’ve ever seen in movie history in its climax.
Also, there aren’t really any traps in the movie. It’s more of Kevin just foiling the two using about one or two gags each time. They break in a total of three times, which means that someone needs a full time security guard. But no one ever believes Kevin when he tells them he destroyed the house to get the burglars out. God damn plot devices.
What I love about this movie is that there is never a moment in this movie where Kevin is actually Home Alone. But that’s the name of the title. This is irritating. There is always, although not always shown, an adult in the house with Kevin. This is the butler character that was aforementioned. I think the whole point of the movies were to prove that a young child could be resourceful enough to survive on his own in his house for a few days and even fend off a couple idiots trying to break in. The second one built on that idea by putting Kevin in an unfamiliar place, and having him do his antics there. So now, he apparently has to have a full time eye on him. To be honest I just think that producers knew that if they truly stayed with Kevin being left home again, the movie would have ended with child services coming to get Kevin. I would have preferred an ending like that, it would have at least ensured a finality to the series, but instead I must live in fear every day that we may see a Home Alone 5. I have an idea. How about we bring back Culkin, he can rig the house Saw style, we can give it a hard R rating, and just lots of gore. Well maybe not, but it’d be more enjoyable than this piece of crap. Don’t bother watching this.
Next time, Problem Child 3…yeah there’s one of those too.
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