Even Perfection Has Its Imperfections

            Celebrity gossip is a lucrative business known for it’s shady practices and ability to expose even the most personal of information of a celebrity. Unfortunately there are some celebrities that get overexposure; and not to be sexist, but an overwhelming amount of the time these are female celebrities.

            The one that comes to mind is Megan Fox. The Transformers actress has been the ultimate fodder for gossip magazines everywhere, as well as appearing in multiple men magazines. At one point last year the coverage was so bad that a few websites called for a one day boycott on Megan Fox stories.

            My point here is that, well, I feel the pain. These celebrities are made up to be sex symbols or spank bank material for some of the younger ones. We have gotten to a point in our culture where celebrities are reveled in for their beauty and perfection. However, like the plot twists in some of their shitty movies, things aren’t what they always seem.

            That’s right, even the one’s made to be the most beautiful can have daunting imperfections. The point of this article is not necessarily to point out and laugh at the imperfections some of these people have, but moreover to point out that even the people who seem untouchable are just as human as everybody else. So without further ado…

1.     Megan Fox

Yes, it’s true. Even the queen of perfection has an imperfection. First let me point out that Megan Fox is gorgeous. There is no doubt about that. But let’s face it…she is talentless. In fact, she was the major inspiration to write this article because of all the coverage she gets, yet shows a complete lack of acting talent. So what is this imperfection you say?

Megan Fox suffers from brachydatyly. For those of us who didn’t attend medical school, I like to call this “Carny Thumbs.” It is essentially a shortening of the fingers or toes and is passed down genetically. Here get a better look for yourself so you can understand.

 Yeah, probably not the person you want to be hitchhiking with…

2.     Jennifer Garner

What ever happened to Jennifer Garner? I know she still makes movies from time to time, but after her and Ben Affleck had a baby and Elektra flopped harder than a fish out of water, she all but disappeared. Maybe people caught on…

Not that I think an overlapping pinky toe is cause to ruin a career, but damn. It reminds me of something that would make George Costanza break up with a woman.

3.     Mila Kunis

I refuse to bash Mila Kunis. She is gorgeous and talented and voices a character on one of my favorite shows on television, Family Guy. To be totally honest, I think her “imperfection” in this case just makes her more beautiful. So without further delay…

Look at her left eye…Now look at her right eye…Notice anything different. Here’s a little closer.

Mila Kunis Is The Upper Left Picture

 That’s right, they are different colors. This imperfection is known as heterochromia, which as you guessed causes different colored eyes. Turns out she’s not the only one.

From L to R: Mila Kunis, Jane Seymour, Kate Bosworth, Elizabeth Berkley, Virginia Madsen

So to ground all the people who are obsessed with celebrities and view them as sex symbols, it seems that even perfection can have its flaws. Obviously some a little more bizarre than others, but keep in mind, even celebrities in their infallible images are human too and this is proof.

So-Bad-It's-Good

            The caliber of movies produced today far exceeds the movies from decades ago. However, with the technology we have for movies today, it doesn’t allow for the campy movies we were given during the 80’s, as everything today has a more polished look, even if it’s direct-to-video garbage like American Pie 24.

            Instead, the 80’s represented a decade defiled by some truly awful films. I’ve scoured many a bargain bin and Internet forums in order to find some of the worst. It’s kind of a hobby I have, watching horrible 80’s trash movies. Over the years I’ve managed to show some of these crap-covered gems to some people who have also taken a liking. While I can’t provide you with these movies to watch, I can still impart a list of some good one’s along with some of the more memorable scenes. In no particular order…

1. Troll 2

This 1990 sequel is notorious. So notorious in fact that it has not only sprung it’s own internet mime and been mentioned by talk show host Conan O’Brien, but it’s even become the subject of a documentary entitled Best Worst Movie, which was made by the films child star Michael Stevenson. Here is one of the more infamous scenes in question.

This movie has a number of scenes like the above that have let it become something of a cult classic. In fact the movie has no relation to its predecessor other than the name. In fact the movie does not even feature trolls. Instead they are replaced by goblins, and we have a whining kid running around a city called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards, fucking surprise) screaming about goblins while no one believes him…Hmm, sounds familiar. What sucks the most for this kid is the fact that he’s somehow able to see the manifested spirit of his long dead grandfather, who helps him in his quest to defeat the goblins before they turn his family into goblin food! Guess what the goblins weakness turns out to be?!

I’m going to go kill myself now!

2. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

Without a shadow of doubt, this is my favorite so-bad-it’s-good movie of all time. This movie, obviously a sequel, managed to do something I’ve never seen before. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is a 45 minute movie that was turned into an hour and a half by using 45 minutes of footage from the first film. There are so many memorable scenes that showcase how bad the acting is. The following one has become an Internet phenomena as well.

Absolutely fucking brilliant. Unfortunately this movie is now out of print so locating a copy is going to be difficult, but if you can get your hands on this gem, I guarantee an hour and a half of non-stop unintentional laughter. The movie is so bad that even the director has apologized for the movie, on the DVD commentary no less! So check this gem out if you can!

3. Hobgoblins

Enough said. This movie was one of the many that received the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment, and deservedly so. This movie is absolute torture to watch. Even if you are not sober this movie is torture to watch. The trailer just about says it all. If you want to be able to survive this movie, watch the MST3K version. Sadly this movie recently spawned a sequel almost 20 years later as a result of the popularity brought on from the episode on MST3K, so if you make it through this, you are still only halfway there.

I'm Still Here Is A Bizarre And Sad Portrait...And Fucking Brilliant!

            Most of you probably recognize the chap above as Joaquin Phoenix, but I assure you that the real Joaquin Phoenix is not in this movie, at least not in spirit.

            “I’m Still Here”, which is an appropriate title given Phoenix’s two year absence from film, is a “documentary” film about Phoenix’s retirement from acting to subsequently change to a rap career. I know I laughed really hard the first time I heard it too.

            First a little background on this film. In 2008 after filming the movie “Two Lovers”, Phoenix announced he would retire from film to pursue a musical career. To further drive the point home, he grew out his beard and his hair, giving him the appearance of a homeless man. During this period when Phoenix was seen in public, he was also sporting a pair of large sunglasses, and most interviews or attempts to talk to him were futile, as he seemed to be dodging questions about just about everything. The actor had seemingly had a mental breakdown.

            At some point during the fiasco, there was a news story that was run claiming that Phoenix’s rap career is a hoax and that he was filming all of it with the intent of fooling everyone. While it came out in the wash just about a week ago that the film is indeed a hoax and Phoenix is really fine, that still doesn’t take away from one of the most bizarre, yet interesting films I’ve seen in a long time.

            The first movie that comes to mind to compare this to is Borat. However, Borat was a fictional character, while Joaquin Phoenix is not. This is where the movie really tested the boundaries of where it could go. You take an Oscar winning actor, make him seem to have descended into madness, and film it.

            The premise is simple; it follows Joaquin from shortly after his retirement from acting, throughout the point where he just has a complete meltdown as a result of his unsuccessful rapping career.

            While it seems like it may be pretty temperate, it is far from that. The movie may not be as over the top as Borat, but that still doesn’t negate some of the extreme moments in the film. These moments include Phoenix engaging in oral sex with a prostitute, snorting cocaine throughout the film including off a prostitutes breast, smoking marijuana, and being defecated on by a friend he is feuding with. Sounds like everything necessary to be a music star.

            For the average viewer, this would probably be one of the most depressing movies of the year to watch. If you are not aware of the hoax that this movie was, I promise you it was not fun to watch one of the greatest actors of our generation spiral out of control. Knowing it is a hoax, it can also be called one of the greatest performance pieces of all time. It’s Joaquin Phoenix playing a character based on himself named Joaquin Phoenix.

            The movie has a lot of humorous moments, but they are usually unintentional and come up as a result of the actors constant misfortune, or the moments where he really shows how belligerent he has become, by mumbling words and an inability to complete a coherent thought. Knowing it was a hoax, I laughed many times throughout the film; however if you are unaware, then the film doesn’t seem so humorous anymore.

            Overall, the film was good, even though it had it’s dragging moments. It was interesting to see what Joaquin did during his tenure to try to get a rap album made, and how he alienated himself from everybody, all in an attempt to try a new type of documentary approach. It worked, however I don’t think everyone is going to “get it”, and therefore this movie probably won’t been seen by many.

            The only complaint I have on the movie, and it’s minor, is just that there was literally no point to the film. I came out of the theater wondering why I had watched the movie and if I left with anything. But aside from this minor complaint, this was a really different film and definitely deserves viewing by everyone. Check it out!

My Opinion: 9.5/10

            

The Devil Made Me Do It

          

           “From the mind of M. Night Shyamalan.” About as much fucking credibility as investing with Bernie Madoff. Surprisingly though, this movie has some clever ebb and flow, and I did enjoy it, but it wasn’t without it’s flaws…and those flaws pissed me off.

            The basic premise of the movie is the first flaw. I understand that a lot of stuff has been done before, and while an interesting twist on the macguffin (slang term for driving plot device), it didn’t feel properly executed.

            So there are 5 strangers, they all manage to get stuck in an elevator together, and a mass orgy ensues. Well that’s not true, but they do get stuck in an elevator, and that is exactly where 85 percent of the movie takes place. If you get claustrophobic you will not like this movie. So you might as well stop reading now. If you aren’t you can read on.

            So naturally as the plot unravels, you begin to understand that all the people stuck in the elevator…wait for it…HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON! However, and this is where there is a twist on the plot, there is something afoul in the elevator and it is not a fart.

            Instead, the elevator seems inescapable, and attempts to rescue the stranded strangers lead in what can be compared to the Bell Tower fatality from Mortal Kombat 3.

            In between rescue attempts, we come to learn that in some way the detective in charge of rescuing the survivors, who happened to be in the area at the time of the elevator malfunction, is connected to the strangers in some way too.

            At points in the movie, the lights mysteriously go out in the elevator, and when they come on, shit has happened. This really means that someone was killed, which leads for some good tension as to who may be doing the killings.

            The only character I had a problem with was actually one of the security guards. He plays the younger religious type, who suggests that what is happening is actually the work of the devil himself. I think my claim was backed up when every time his character spouted off about the devil being amongst them and being responsible for what was happening, myself as well as the rest of the audience would erupt into very audible laughter.

            The twists in the plot are not very “tight”, but for the effort the movie gives it’s not too bad and works to some degree. Maybe I’ve gone soft, but I used to hold M. Night Shyamalan up to high standards. In this movie he only came up with the story and acted as a producer for the film. The tone and basic story premise is definitely representative of his work, and even though I have hated the last couple of Shyamalan films, I have to admit the man can create a great tone for a movie, and it works well with this one.

            Overall, this movie wasn’t bad. It’s worth checking out, even if just once. It has a bit of humor, some intention and some not, as well as some decent horror and suspense. Bring on the sequel!

My Opinion: 8/10

They Made A Sequel To That?

My last bit of 90’s nostalgia is finally dead. This is the murderer:

            Oh yes they did. Most people thought that the Home Alone series ended in 1997 with the horrible, yet still watchable (and featuring a young Scarlett Johanssen), third entry in the series. At least that one was still written by John Hughes. But instead, they decided back in 2002 that they should rape the franchise one more time, because they didn’t cause enough emotional traumas with Home Alone 3.

            If you are wondering why I even bothered subjecting myself to something this sinister, let me take a moment to explain that I have this sort of tick. It’s the kind where if there are sequels to a movie that I’m a fan of, I generally will watch them even if they are garbage. Don’t ask why, it’s just how I am. Bearing that in mind, it’s also people like me that watch this crap in order to warn misguided curious people against films like this.

            Having said that, let me begin with a quick rundown of this movies history. It was intended as a made-for-TV movie, with producers hoping a show could follow granted this was successful. Without having to do much aside from showing the movie to a few people, that ultimately did not happen, and it’s quite obvious why.

            The movie tries to tie itself somewhat to the first two films, as Kevin McAllister is once again the main character, and his mother, father, brother Buzz, and another sister, are also featured in the film. Oh and the character Marv, the bumbling burglar from the first two movies returns, this time with his wife as a sidekick. Oddly enough French Stewart plays him in this movie. Bizarre…

            Anyway, there are subtle, if not vague references to the early film. However, the movie highly confused me on whether or not this took place after Home Alone 2, or Home Alone 1, as direct references to the first movie, not the second are made. So that was the first thing I had trouble with on this film.

            Next, the characters have totally different personalities. Sorry for speaking bluntly, but in this movie, Kevin is a little bitch. Gone is the assuredness and charm of Macaulay Culkin’s Kevin, and replaced with a naïve and annoying little child Mike Weinberg. The characters retain almost no personality to their original selves, even down to Marv, who is supposed to be a pretty two-dimensional character.

            Speaking of Marv, he is played by French Stewart and for some reason, always has a shit-eating grin on his face. But then again that’s just French Stewart. Anyway, his dim-witted sidekick for this romp is a woman who he has apparently met in prison and married. Umm…unisex prison? Ok…But to continue, she is played by Missy Pyle, who always seems to have that face like she has really bad gas. Add on a thick, shitty New York accent and you’ve got a complete moron!

            The plot of the movie goes, Kevin’s parents are divorced and Kevin’s dad is getting remarried. For Christmas, Kevin decides he wants to spend it with his dad and his fiancé at her home. When he arrives, he is welcomed with open arms, and we come to realize the house is a smart house, and the keys to the house are just a remote you yell commands into. This is where it all becomes predictable again, especially as they point out things around that house that are obviously fodder for later gags. But to continue, Kevin stays at the house, somehow Marv chooses this house to burglarize, and for some reason whenever they come, the butler is nonresponsive. So sets up a possible double cross with the most obvious reveal I’ve ever seen in movie history in its climax.

            Also, there aren’t really any traps in the movie. It’s more of Kevin just foiling the two using about one or two gags each time. They break in a total of three times, which means that someone needs a full time security guard. But no one ever believes Kevin when he tells them he destroyed the house to get the burglars out. God damn plot devices.

            What I love about this movie is that there is never a moment in this movie where Kevin is actually Home Alone. But that’s the name of the title. This is irritating. There is always, although not always shown, an adult in the house with Kevin. This is the butler character that was aforementioned. I think the whole point of the movies were to prove that a young child could be resourceful enough to survive on his own in his house for a few days and even fend off a couple idiots trying to break in. The second one built on that idea by putting Kevin in an unfamiliar place, and having him do his antics there. So now, he apparently has to have a full time eye on him. To be honest I just think that producers knew that if they truly stayed with Kevin being left home again, the movie would have ended with child services coming to get Kevin. I would have preferred an ending like that, it would have at least ensured a finality to the series, but instead I must live in fear every day that we may see a Home Alone 5. I have an idea. How about we bring back Culkin, he can rig the house Saw style, we can give it a hard R rating, and just lots of gore. Well maybe not, but it’d be more enjoyable than this piece of crap. Don’t bother watching this.

            Next time, Problem Child 3…yeah there’s one of those too.

Someone should really lay these zombies to rest.

            Why can’t the series die like it’s main appeal, the zombies? Yes, it’s apparently that time again for another Resident Evil film; meaning that I, like an Alzheimer patient, find myself wandering back into the movie theater to watch. But in my defense, I love the games, and the one good film that had no association with the live action movies (Resident Evil: Degeneration). I continue watching the movies out of a displaced loyalty to the series that sees me losing 90 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back every 3 to 4 years. So let me save you from having to make the same mistakes I have.

            For those of you that give a shit, this movie picks up after the end of the third movie that saw Claire Redfield and friends searching for a picked up distress beacon promising safe haven, claimed to be located in Arcadia, and Alice threatening to take down the Umbrella Corporation, now with a little help from her friends, multiple clones of herself.

            Without giving much away, lets just say, Alice does go through with the attack, and ultimately loses her powers, while setting up the main antagonist, Albert Wesker, and finally giving some sort of worthy nod to the game series…And this is where I stop and say why I refuse to accept this movie series as a relevant translation.

            This movie manages to turn an entire film that takes place in the span of five minutes, into an hour and a half long lesson you learn in film school on why not to overuse slow motion. It really got to a point where I felt compelled to laugh out loud in the theater and I am the most non-vocal person in a movie theater. About every 10 minutes, without fucking fail, there was a slow motion scene. These movies have progressively included more and more slow motion scenes, and it tests my fucking patience.

            Something this film as well as the predecessors still lack is character development, because I still find myself rather seeing the survivors killed than prevailing. It’s sad because in a way, the movies do have potential, but end up becoming a 90-minute joke.

            What really pissed me off the most, and pisses me off in any movie, is the deliberate setup for a sequel…which of course this film does. This makes me angry, because when your movies become so shitty that they stop making profit, you make a film with a cliffhanger that even though the movie totally blows I still want to know what happens, ahem Super Mario Bros.

            The plot is just as predictable as you think, not that something like this is going to be an Oscar contender, but this movie is totally devoid of anything resembling a plot.

            They say hindsight is always 20/20, so take it from me, do NOT waste your time on this movie. But then again it still makes money at the box office so it must be doing it for some people.

My Opinion: 3.5/10

Lets All Reach For A Water

            There’s some serious shit going on in the world of soda land. The Coca Cola bears are eating people. Well metaphorically at least. And probably not eating in a necrotizing way, but probably more in a rapidly multiplying cell better known as cancer kind of way. Yeah that’s right, put the bottle down.

            We do live in a day and age where our food is tainted with more chemicals and preservatives than Michael Jackson was filled with to keep his face together. Not to digress, soda, for better or worse, contains both preservative and chemical. Now granted, there are natural sodas out there, but lets also look at the fact that the overwhelming majority of soda consumers are drinking a Coke or Pepsi product. So we will stick to that demographic.

            And first let me say, that at one point…I’m sorry let me start again, at NO point has Coke ever been a safe product. Since it’s inception, it has been laced with either small amounts of cocaine, hence the name, or phosphoric acid, or a combination of the two. That’s like if Hitler and Stalin came in a can.

            Phosphoric acid, which is the only ingredient of the aforementioned two that still remains, is known for its affinity to rot teeth, remove rust, and yet still provide that tangy sour taste you get in soda.

            Yes melting your teeth sucks, but it gets worse. The phosphoric acid is not the cancer initiator. Actually that would be high fructose corn syrup. This is a new study, and I’m not trying to tell you what you should do. Just making people aware.

The true face of evil.

I think the irony in the situation is that we have now these “limited time only” versions of Mountain Dew and Pepsi floating out there, known as “Mountain Dew Throwback” and “Pepsi Throwback” respectively. However there is only one difference between the original and their Throwback doppelgangers…they don’t contain high fructose corn syrup.

Instead they contain REAL SUGAR! Hell, we even get the old school logo’s!

So at this point, we have come to substituting chemicals, processed and reprocessed corn, for the real thing, and made it a limited time commodity. What the fuck happened in soda land?

It just pisses me off that we pay ridiculous amounts of money for soda these days, only to feel like a total jackass when they dabble it with REAL ingredients in front of us. Fuck that.

Should consumers really have to pay more, and only have a limited time, to make an unhealthy drink just slightly less unhealthy (it’s still unhealthy)? Can’t these companies just try to invest a few more dollars for the well being of its consumers, especially after studies like the one above are published?

Hopefully these companies can pull their heads out of their asses and realize that this stuff isn’t good. Look, they must drink it too, I’m sure they are up to their fucking ears in the shit. But this is just common sense.

Look I drink soda too once in a while so I fall victim to this too. Everybody once in a while indulges, and there are some people who never drink it which is awesome too. But let’s just all reach for some water.

That's The Reality, Accept It!

            I’m convinced that one out of every 1000 people are total idiots. Either that or they’re senile. Having said that, I feel it truly reflects what I deal with on an almost daily basis.

            I currently work at a small corporate retail store. Over my unfortunate three-year tenure, the company I work for has seen me relocate to approximately five stores over two states, and I have probably had interactions with close to thousands upon thousands of people.

            I’ll be the first to admit that I have become very jaded in the last year or so to the whole consumer process. The customer comes into store, asks for product, pays for said product, change is given, customer leaves. It is just as monotonous as it sounds. But it does leave for some interesting encounters. These are my 3 most memorable.

1. “The Harry S. Truman Guy”

This guy was more recent, but still quite bizarre. After finishing his transaction, he continued to converse with the other cashier I work with, who is also an older man, about who the best presidents are. My cashier and the customer had Harry S. Truman in common the way most Twilight fans have Jacob or Edward in common. Point being, who gives a fuck, our country is no longer run by him, and fuck Twilight.

But it wasn’t the rant that intrigued me, it was what the customer said after this that made me really question his sanity.

The man claimed that “Harry Truman liked him so much that he refused to left him leave the service and made him serve another tour because he deemed him indispensable, which I agreed with him.”

I raise a question! At what point, do you realize you are a government tool, when you say Truman sent you a letter and told you that you must continue to serve active duty while in WW2, and you agreed with him?!

I understand there are some people that are very impassioned about war, but this just goes to show, it’s like there’s a manipulation of the person here. And quite frankly I just don’t find that too heroic. Sorry, it’s just you lost your bragging rights on Sept. 2, 1945 when Japan signed the surrender papers.

2. “The Welfare In Haiti From US Tax Dollars Guy”

            This I just attribute to ignorance, and while ignorance can be bliss, it can also be the possible missing link between humans and apes, which is where this next guy falls.

            This customer I had the joy of getting a dose of stupidity from when during the finalization of his transaction, I am prompted to ask if the customer would like to donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund.

            The customer simply looks at me and refuses, on the basis that “I give enough of my tax dollars to the government that goes towards welfare in Haiti.”

            Stunned, I asked “They have welfare in Haiti?”

            The customer replied “yes” and left. But um, no!

            Haiti, a third fucking world country, does not have welfare. Now yes, the US is the largest donor of money to Haiti, but nevertheless, they do not have a welfare program.

The closest thing they have had to a welfare program in fact, was in the 1980s when the government provided pensions to some retired public officials and military officers, but it was not very much. They also had one for agriculturalists, after 20 years of service, and collectable at the age of 55, however, still not enough to rely on. These programs have since been abandoned, leaving Haiti with no welfare system.

            So wake up fucker because you don’t even seem to know exactly where your money is going to.

3. “The I Fought In Wars So We Wouldn’t Have To Speak Spanish Guy”

This guy is my favorite. Probably one of the more outlandish things I’ve have heard from somebody’s mouth. The customer needed a manual for an item, which we sometimes have the product manuals available at our website. When I went to search for the manual, it turns out we only had it in Spanish. This is where the fun begins.

I tell him the manual is only available in Spanish, which he is clearly not happy about but not upset either. He goes to leave and gets about 5 steps before double backing to tell myself, my coworker, and in a seemingly senile act of racism, 2 Guatemalan customers, that he had “fought in multiple wars so we would not have to speak Spanish in this country.”

Stop! First of all, tell me, when was the last time we had a war with a Spanish speaking country? Think hard. Bet you can’t think of one. That’s because THERE HASN’T BEEN ONE FOR  OVER 100 YEARS!

Giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, and yes he was old, we can say he was alive for WW1. This war did not even involve any Spanish speaking countries. The closest we had was Portugal, and they were on our side.

World War 2. Again, no Spanish speaking countries, although I will try to give some credit, Spain did provide some weapons to the Axis powers, but ultimately remained neutral. Although we did have a throw down with Japan and now we have Nintendo.

Which leaves us with the remaining 2 wars, Korean War, and Vietnam War. Just as you guessed, no Spanish speaking countries attempting to invade us and force us to watch Telemundo.

So no sir, you did not fight for our right to not have to speak Spanish, you just live in a bi-lingual society. That’s the reality, accept it!