Quick, What Do Nikki Sixx And I Have In Common?

            This Sunday morning was spent like any other Sunday morning, relaxing with VH-1 on the television. It’s a Sunday activity I have done week after week with my roommate because, well, we have no life. During a replay of an old episode of Behind The Music, Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx was recalling a heroin overdose that occurred in 1987. What piqued my interest in this was his vivid description of an out-of-body-experience (OBE) that happened to him while he was legally pronounced dead for two minutes. Sixx recalled the experience as “floating above his body in the ambulance watching the paramedics work on him, to suddenly being pulled right back into his body.” This incident is of interest to me because it has happened to me too.

            I did some quick research to find there are a few different kinds of OBE. There are one’s that happen during or near sleep. There are those that happen as a result of a near death experience. There are also one’s that can be induced. My OBE, as you may have guessed, was similar to Nikki Sixx’s reason. The only difference was mine wasn't brought on by a heroin overdose.

            During one of the hottest days of the years, my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Sanford decided to extend our recess to a two-hour window from its original one-hour time frame. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, except that we were forbidden from going back into the room to get water, and Mrs. Sanford forced us to play outside in the sun without any shade. Following our extended session playtime in hell, we all went back inside to continue with the day’s lesson.

            As I sat at my desk I began to feel very dazed and light headed. I then began to see black spots. It was pretty surreal as I was only six years old at the time, so I had no damn clue what was happening to me aside from obvious dehydration. The last thing I remember was my head dropping between my arms before I blacked out. What happened next I will never forget.

            The memory still remains as vivid as it did when it happened. I remember coming to in the corner of the classroom. The lights were out in the room and there were no students. I looked around the room for a few seconds before I suddenly saw myself lying on the floor. Four paramedics, who had a gurney next to them, surrounded my body. As I saw them working to put my body on the gurney, I remember wondering what was going on and why I was able to see what I was seeing. I remember feeling scared for a few seconds, but then I was calm. I watched as the paramedics wheeled me out of the room. Then there was silence. I remained in the dark room for another few seconds before I suddenly came to in the ambulance with a horrible smell of oxygen being pumped in my nose.

            I’ve read countless articles and heard numerous testimonies of similar experiences happening to other people. While there is no definitive proof as to what exactly this phenomenon is, I think it opens the possibilities for discussion of spiritual existence. If this happens as frequently as it does, then it has to have some credibility as an idea. The idea being that we all have a spiritual energy that exists beyond us. Any thoughts if this has happened to you?

If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It

            It was about this time last year that Paranormal Activity repeated the success of The Blair Witch Project and raked in ridiculous profits off a meager budget. So in typical Hollywood fashion, a sequel was made. That sequel was released this week; and while Paranormal Activity 2 may not make the profits that it predecessor brought in, it still proved to be a worthy sequel.

            One of the best things that this sequel does is take the old saying “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” and applies it generously. This sequel looks and feels exactly like the original, even with a budget ten times as high. This ends up working out great because by doing this, Paranormal Activity 2 is able to merely add to what the original got wrong.

            This movie falls into a strange chronology. It takes place before, during, and after the events of Paranormal Activity. The events of this film focus on the main character of the first film’s sister, Kristi. The movie begins with Kristi bringing home her newborn son, Hunter. We are introduced to the family, and everything seems peachy…or is it?

            After a few months, strange events eerily similar to those of the first film begin to happen to Kristi’s family. The odd thing is they all seem to be happening around their son, Hunter. As things get weirder around the house, the true reasons for the demon haunting these characters are revealed.

            As usual, I’m not going to spoil it. I will tell you that if you are a fan of the first film, you will most likely enjoy this. Do not go into this film expecting it to be much different than it’s predecessor. I was not a huge fan of the first film, but I will say I did enjoy this one much more. It seemed to flow a little better, and was definitely scarier.

            Another thing this movie did right was built on the suspense of the first film. There can’t be much more to this demon that has haunted two family members across two films. Fortunately, the movie takes what could be rather stale scenarios, and makes them much more suspenseful, and takes it a step farther than the film before it had.

            Final analysis? Check it out if you are in the mood for some good scares and thrills. Not the movie of the year but I will give it credit where credit is due.

My Opinion: 7.5/10

Three Films Guaranteed To Shock You

            I’ve noticed that so many movies these days are censored. Very rarely does an uncensored, or for lack of better word, unfiltered movie reach mainstream audiences. I try to keep an eye out for films of this caliber, and this year has been a great success. This year I have managed to come across three wonderful gems of shock movies. The following movies have had me recommending and talking about them to a lot of people in an attempt to have them feel the shock I do. One film is so graphic it almost made me throw up as a result. I want to share these films and urge everybody to see these films.

1. The Human Centipede

            What can I say about this film? Let me give you a hint as to what the title might imply. The film concerns a former Nazi doctor who kidnaps three tourists. The doctor then proceeds to surgically attach the three people mouth-to-anus, hence a “human centipede.”

            Let me first start off by saying that this movies shock value lies in what’s implied rather than graphic imagery. Director Tom Six uses very little if any graphical depictions of the aforementioned procedure, and this is what makes the movie work. It leaves us, the audience, in a position to imagine what exactly something like that could yield. It even sets us up for the inevitable scatological situation. Let me put it this way, to this day my girlfriend refuses to even discuss the film due to the implied graphic nature. I know a few people that also share this viewpoint on the film. Check it out for yourself; trust me it’s worth it.

2. Antichrist

            This is an interesting film because while it does have some very graphic moments, it’s one of the most visually stimulating films I have ever seen. There is a certain hint of pretentiousness in director Lars Von Trier’s film, however this is merely a pro to this film.

This movie stars only two actors, Willem Dafoe (Spiderman) and Charlotte Gainsborough (21 Grams). The film is about a married couple whose young child escapes from his crib while the married couple is making love and falls out of an open window to his death a few stories below. The married couple, referred to as only “He” and “She,” retreat to a remote cabin in the woods so She can grieve. He is a psychiatrist who attempts to treat his wife, who eventually loses her sanity. She then maims her husband in some very graphic, disturbing, and shocking scenes.

If there were ever a film that could truly be defined as art, Antichrist would be it. It is beautifully shot, with every scene just brimming with atmosphere and tension and serene beauty simultaneously. I highly recommend this film, if just for the visual stimulation.

3. Martyrs

            I came across this film as a result of the movie Hellraiser. The director of Martyrs, Pascal Laugier, was at one point attached to direct a proposed remake of the movie Hellraiser until it fell through. While Laugier was attached to the film, fans of his turned me onto this film, Martyrs. After watching it, this has become one of the most shocking, disturbing, and amazing films I have ever seen.

            The film is about a young girl who escapes from a remote location where she has apparently been tortured for years. Upon her escape, we are shown that she is being haunted some sort of creature. The film then fast-forwards 15 years where a family of four is enjoying a dinner. Suddenly, the girl who had escaped years earlier blasts her way through the front door and violently murders the entire family, small children included. We then learn that the adults of the family were the one’s torturing the escaped girl years earlier. At this point, the movie starts to take more twists and turns than an M. Night Shyamalan film.

            While watching the movie I had a hard time understanding why everything was happening. There are some points where there might be some confusion, but upon the ending everything came full circle. It turned out to be one of the most brilliant films I have ever seen, and I highly recommend it. Be warned though, this film is VERY graphic and if you have a weak stomach I do not recommend viewing it.

Once A Jackass, Always A Jackass

           It looks like I’m going to have to wait another four years before one of my guiltiest pleasures of all time becomes a four part series. But until then, the newest sequel in the long running Jackass movies has appeared to show us that getting your ass kicked can still be hilarious.

            It’s been four years since Jackass 2 and an even more impressive eight years since the TV show went off the air. However, Johnny Knoxville and company are back and better than ever and their latest foray had me in stitches from beginning to end.

            For those who have seen the last two films, Jackass 3D starts off the same way. We are treated to a slow motion opening of all the cast members being mangled and beaten up by some sort of destructive force in slow motion.  While this part is funny, it does not outshine the rest of the movie.

            Once the movie starts, it’s exactly as one would anticipate. Stunts are set up for the camera, the stunt is explained to the audience, and then we are all left to fill in the narrative as the stunt occurs. The great thing about watching these movies is not to see how gross things can really get, but how funny they can really be.

            Perhaps my favorite “stunt” of the movie involved a staged midget bar fight. If that’s not enough to make you laugh, then I promise you will laugh once you see exactly what transpires on the screen. Lets just say a midget bar brawl being broken up by two midget cops left me close to peeing in my pants with laughter, especially upon seeing the bystander reactions.

            The best parts of the movie really do come in the form of the pranks the jackasses perform in public. Johnny Knoxville resurrects his old man character, Irving Zissman, for some more fun on the streets of Los Angeles. In one of Jackass 3D’s funniest bits, we find him with an actress to play his granddaughter as they both show very uncomfortable displays of public affection.

            There’s really not much to explain about this movie. It really does speak for itself in terms of content. If you are not a fan of the show or previous movies, you obviously will not like this film. However if you want to watch a bunch of adults still kicking each others ass’s after 10 years, then you have come to the right spot. I was not disappointed by this entry in the series, and I really hope to see more in the future.

A Good Case Of Sequelitis

            So it’s been four years since the zombies took over the Willamette Mall in the fictional town of Willamette, Colorado, and the outbreak has only gotten worse.

            Dead Rising 2, a sequel to Dead Rising, puts players into the shoes of Chuck Greene, a former motocross superstar and apparently super dad. Taking place in fictional city Fortune City a number of years after the first game, we start with Greene participating in the twisted reality show, Terror Is Reality, where he is trying to win money to pay for Zombrex, a 24-hour suppressor for people who have been bitten by zombie, for his daughter who has been previously infected. Following the show, an outbreak of zombies occurs and a group of survivors are forced to take refuge in a safe house located in the small city. Unfortunately for Chuck, he has been framed for the outbreak, his daughter needs Zombrex, and rescue isn’t coming for three days…fuck.

            I remember playing the first game and being shocked at how amazing the game play was. You are essentially in a giant sandbox world, and there can be anywhere from 30 to as many as 1000 zombies on screen at any given time. Players of the first game are aware that the entire city is your playing field and weapons and health can and must be procured from various areas.

            The first thing DR2 adds that it’s predecessor lacked was the ability to combine weapons. The great thing about this is you can make some of the most ludicrous things available and reap the amazing rewards of watching zombies just mauled in the more goretastic ways. My personal favorite being a combination of a Sub-Machine Gun and a giant stuffed bear; this creates Freedom Bear, a giant stuffed bear sentry with a Rambo style headband and a proximity sensor that tells it to shoot.

            While this about covers the major game play differences in the game, there have been a number of tweaks that were problematic in the first game. The first and most notable is the survivor AI. In both Dead Rising’s it is necessary to save stranded survivors throughout the world. The first game was notorious for having the worst survivor AI, so much so that they would run blindly into a hoard of zombies. Not only has this problem been fixed, but also I actually find myself rescuing multiple survivors because I’m not concerned that the one’s I’ve just rescued are going to go off and get themselves killed.

            The story in this game is nothing that hasn’t been done before, however the game manages to put it’s own little twist on the story. I really like some of the death scenes in this game for some of the boss characters. One that particularly sticks out is a stabilized body extraction that ends up with the boss being ripped in half by the airplane recovering him.

            The graphics are also a notable improvement over the first game. While the first game didn’t suffer from bad graphics, it’s still an improvement over the first game. This is a major feat considering how much more graphical power is needed to put more zombies on screen at one time.

            The controls still feel a bit clunky. It’s not overly complicated, however cycling through weapons, especially in later levels when you have a much bigger inventory, can be a bit tedious and annoying.

            Voice acting was done very well, however you can tell the lines were recorded in a booth. I think this is where videogames need to start taking hints from games like Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, who utilize motion capture with the actors providing the voices, so they can all act out the scene together and express the right emotions.

            So overall, I’d say this game is definitely worth the buy. It has enough things to do to keep you busy for a while. If you are a fan of movies like Dawn Of The Dead, which these games are homage’s to, you will really enjoy it. Check it out.

My Opinion: 8.5/10

At Least I Got A Good Parking Spot

            I have never been one to have a routine or special place I go all the time. Efforts to change that have come about half-circle, and I have had my second year in a row visit to horror movie convention Screamfest.

            For those of you who don’t know, Screamfest is a horror movie festival where your favorite horror movie stars and directors show up for autographs, and people can rent tables to sell their horror related merchandise. It takes up a few of the conference rooms at the Wyndham Resort in Orlando, FL and at the end of the evening there are parties at two of the pool locations on the resort premises.

            Last year was an absolute blast; with the negative point of the trip being the parking situation (it’s a giant clusterfuck of cars parked illegally over a parking lot the size of two football fields) but otherwise everything was peachy. I had to opportunity to meet some of my favorite horror icons, as well as get choked out by one, and the pool party consisted of a couple thousand people with similar interests getting boozed up and partying with each other and celebrities. Maybe I should have realized things weren’t going that much fun this year when I immediately found a parking spot pulling into the hotel parking lot…

            Some of the high points for me last year were meeting Kane Hodder (Friday the 13^th) and getting to party with Derek Mears (Friday the 13^th 2009) that night. I ran into a number of other celebrities that night, and although a lot remains a drunken haze, I remember just having the time of my life.

            However this year was different. The first sign of distress was that the price for admission, which had previously been $25, had now been raised to $35. I personally found this to be bullshit because the lineup consisted of the same people from last year, except the featured guests of the year was Robert Englund (A Nightmare On Elm Street) and John Carpenter (Halloween). My girlfriend loves all things Freddy (I’m a Jason fan) so Robert Englund had to be seen…

            In a line that lasted an hour, we finally got to meet Mr. Englund and he was quite pleasant…and this was the highpoint of our trip.

            One of the major problems I noticed was the lack of people like I had seen the previous year. I’d estimate at least 4000 people attended last year, and this year I’d say that was cut in half. I think the problem was really the fact that almost everything is a repeat of the previous year, with only a few new guests, and even they are people who have done Screamfest in previous years.

            Another thing that really bothers me, and I have spoke to numerous other guests who have the same complaints, is that the celebrities charge anywhere from $20-$40 an autograph, with some charging if you just want a picture taken with them. That is a bad service to fans and highly influences my opinion about a celebrity. This coming from a guy whose favorite part of last year was getting choked the fuck out by his favorite horror movie icon. At least I didn’t have to pay.

            As a result, the pool party had some problems too. The first thing I noticed on my way to the pool was a strung out looking Gary Busey (Lethal Weapon) sitting on a ledge wearing a t-shirt, pajama pants, and Van’s slip-on shoes. At that moment I thought “if this was going to be as good as it gets then I will need more alcohol.”

            Unfortunately no amount of alcohol can make a boring party a lively one. We headed back and forth to the pool but the party just never picked up, leaving my girlfriend, my roommate, and myself pissed off and vowing to go to Halloween Horror Nights next year instead of Screamfest.

            The upside to the pool party was that when I saw Gary Busey hurrying to his hotel room with an obviously much younger girl, a group of kids come by saying they must fight Gary Busey and save the young girls honor from becoming a Gary Busey victim. After the amusement died down, we returned home and went back to sleep.

            I guess I wasn’t the only one who wanted out. I read this morning that about the time we showed up to the convention center, John Carpenter, the one person I really would have liked to have seen, had a convulsion and was taken to a hospital. Oh well, at least I got a good parking spot.

Pamela Anderson's Penis And Things

            I sometimes spend hours trolling the Internet for absolutely no reason. Half the time I have nothing to look at, but end up seeing links to other sites with stories or pictures that I just have to see. Like most people, I usually come across some pretty odd things, ranging anywhere from celebrity gossip to news of a transgendered conservative (isn’t that an oxymoron?) running for office in San Francisco.

            This week, I came across four things that yielded reactions from laughter to confused shock. I thought they were too good not to be shared so without another moments hesitation…

1. Pamela Anderson

Yes, we all know who she is. This woman has been the poster child for a life in the media spotlight. Her headlines have revealed sexual escapades with former beau’s, told us which letter of Hepatitis she has, and exact time and dates with when Ms. Andersons boobs would be bigger than the Goodyear blimp. Yet a stranger revelation has come upon me. Look below…

What do you see in this picture? Yes I know Pamela’s nipples are hard perverts, thanks for pointing out the obvious. I’ll give you another hint; it has nothing to do with the obvious weight gain.

The big story, no pun intended, is between her legs. That just nullified my pervert comment earlier.

It looks like Pam is packing a bulge in there. Could it be that the woman of every 90’s child’s wet dream is really a dude? Could be, but also highly unlikely. We could probably assume that it’s a result of Pamela’s promiscuity, but I seem to like my roommate’s analysis of the picture better; it’s just one big Herpe.

2. Wanket!

            I know times are tough for everybody. Everyone is bleeding money financially, and the housing market is still in shambles. However, this is just crossing the line.

            Are you fucking kidding me? How do the words "real estate" and "masturbation" end up in the same sentence? Besides, I’d be too worried this guy would be trying to put his hand down my pants during the showing. Thinned hair and horn-rimmed glasses just shout molester.

3. Irony

There is so much I could say about this picture. However, this is truly a picture worth a thousand words, if just for its irony of the whole situation.

I can only imagine what caused the driver of the truck to be pulled over. I also want to know if it's considered assaulting an officer if the cop dickishly binges on the donuts and falls into a sugar-induced coma. Probably not, but at least your bribe is in the backseat.

4. Nirvana

            This falls into one of those categories where you don’t want to laugh because of the tragic circumstances of the author, but at the same time you can’t help but laugh because of the way it was written.

            Translation: Dear Empty TV
the entity of all Corporate Gods
We will survive without you easily — — the oldschool is going DOWN FAST
my lifes Dedication is Now to Do Nothing But SLAG something
Kurdt Kobain xxx
professional Rock musician

            Looks like Kurt saw MTV for what it really is! I think the font type is Helvetica Junkie. Alright that was in poor taste, but I love Kurt Cobain and it was a tragedy. Either way, this letter had be laughing. And for those of you who don’t know what a SLAG is, don’t fear. I had no clue of what it meant either. Gotta love dictionaries! A slag is defined as “A prostitute or promiscuous woman. Also occasionally heard with reference to such men.”

            So I guess it’s safe to assume Kurt is saying he’s going to go out and have sex with something. Why he chose Courtney Love is beyond me…

Old School American Horror

            It’s finally here. I have been waiting for Hatchet 2 since the left-open-for-a-sequel ending of the original Hatchet, and it truly does not disappoint. In fact I think I enjoyed this movie so much I squealed twice during the movie and had to change my underwear after the show. Well not really but I did adore this movie as much as the first one, if not more. Where to begin?

            For those that have not seen Hatchet, the movie is about a group of people who take a backwoods swamp tour in the bayou’s of Louisiana, only to stumble across the abode of local ghost legend Victor Crowley, who was accidently killed by his father years earlier. Of course, the people meet their demise with the type of gore and violence you’d expect out of a movie made in the late 2000’s.

            I think the reason it was so enjoyable, is that this movie labels itself as “Old School American Horror.” This means that it’s trying to homage movies like Friday the 13^th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, etc. It does that on such a great level, even to the point of having the main villain Victor Crowley portrayed by veteran Jason Voorhees actor Kane Hodder.

            So Hatchet 2 starts right where Hatchet left off, with our protagonist Marybeth narrowly escaping the clutches of Victor Crowley. Upon being rescued by piss-drinking local nutcase, Jack Cracker, we find out is somehow connected to Victor Crowley. She is then kicked out of Jack Crackers house out of fear, where Cracker is subsequently murdered, and we have our plot device!

            Marybeth then returns to New Orleans to speak to Reverend Zombie from Hatchet, played by Tony Todd (Candyman), and she convinces him to return to the swamp to kill Victor Crowley and recover her brother and fathers dead bodies. Zombie reluctantly agrees, and recruits a crew of locals and hunters to help.

            To be honest, the rest you can figure out yourself, and I don’t want to spoil. What I want to tell you is that this movie is awesome. It is what a true sequel should be; something that takes the ideas of its predecessor and build on them. This sequel is ball’s to the wall with gore, using nearly twice as much fake blood then the original. There are plenty of comic relief moments throughout this movie, and some of them are actually gut busting. What really makes this movie fun is how it incorporates a lot of comedy into most of the over-the-top kills the movie is known for. I don’t want to give too much away but lets just say we get a graphic depiction of a six foot chainsaw wish boning two men in half, complete with testicles falling off.

            The script obviously is nothing to write home about, but it still manages to stay focused on the quick kills and gore the series has become loved for. Another point, director Adam Green has really gotten a lot better as a director in the last four years. His shots are quicker and tighter, and this helps to make the movie flow a lot better, especially during the slower scenes. The incorporation of the comedy helps a lot too.

            This movie is not for everyone, and with it only playing in one fucking theater in south Florida, it doesn’t make it very accessible. Unless you are a die-hard fan of the original Hatchet, and I guarantee almost everyone reading this has never even heard of it, or a fan of old school 80’s slasher horror, then don’t bother catching this flick. However if you want an hour and a half of mindless fun, gore, and inventive kills, check it out.

My Opinion: 10/10